The Mock Turtle - “The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to talk of other things.”

4 Pool Valley, Old Lanes (next to Bus Station)

I’m always in two minds as to whether or not it’s worth blogging what are considered (and rightfully so) to be Brighton institutions. Then I think of the weary traveller who perhaps has come across my blog in search of a place to rest their weary feet after their sojourn to the seaside. So I know that I should, nae, I must blog such lovely wee places such as our historical Mock Turtle.

I was first recommended the Mock Turtle by my good friend “S”. So last Christmas when my gran was over for an extended visit we took a few trips here merely because I knew this was going to most likely be the only tea shop in Brighton that my granny, she of the gluten-free persuasion, could enjoy a cuppa and a treat. This is due to their infamous meringues. To say that they are large is an understatement and like all the other baked goodies at the Mock Turtle, they are handmade on the premises. They came in a variety of wonderfully delicious flavours that change daily, including vanilla, raspberry and coffee.

I finally took Stephen there this past Sunday (he being the MT virgin) and I indulged in a vanilla one, as a shout-out of sorts to my gran. I did not, however, pour out my tea on the sidewalk in her honour. (To self: Do I leave in this joke, knowing that most of the British population won’t get it? What the hell. It makes me giggle and if they’ve at least seen Austin Powers or have any knowledge of hip-hop culture whatsoever, they just might get it.) Stephen indulged in the vanilla cheesecake and a mocha and I chose some lovely Fentiman’s ginger beer to accompany my meringue.

Yeah, yeah. I know it’s a teashop but we are having some VERY warm weather here. Warm for England anyways. For those looking for a wonderful cuppa, trust me, this is the real deal. They bring out all the hoopla necessary for a good cup of tea, including loose tea leaves, strainer, etc. The Girl Wonder was quite impressed, she being of the tea-snob persuasion. I can never seem to get the hack of it and half the time I’m topping up my tea without using the strainer. It makes me feel like such a big Yank.

My Yank sensibilities also love a good donut. I remember swooping down upon Krispy Kreme in Harrods food hall like common trailer trash. And biting into them only to get jam down the front of me, again, like common trailer trash. My momma would’ve been so proud! So when the Girl Wonder let me sample a bit of her homemade Mock Turtle jam donut, I wept on the inside, knowing that my allegiance to The Krispy Kreme was now unsettled, for this donut was, dare I say, superior in almost every way. I mean my God, just look at them! Are they not the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?? They also have chocolate ones that are just smeared all over in chocolate frosting. What you can’t see is the huge squirt of fresh whipped cream that they inject into it before serving it up or that they are the size of a small grapefruit. They have them to take away as well. They’re also now open on Sundays.

If your appetite is crying out for more than a pastry and some tea, never fear because they also have light breakfast and lunch menus which includes fish and chips, salads, homemade soup, the best Welsh rarebit I’ve ever had and loads of other very English dishes. Sunday was the first time I’ve been back since the place changed hands, the previous owners having run it for 30 years and now enjoying their much-deserved retirement I imagine. Not much has changed, which is very comforting. There are still shelves stocked of homemade preserves and loads of different cakes and breads to take away, such as the banana and walnut pictured here. It’s all too picture-perfect, being the exact kind of place that the Old Dears love to stop off at before catching their bus back to Wherevershire or Someotherhampton after their day at the seaside. We had a table of them sitting right next to us and the dialogue-well, I couldn’t have made up better stuff if I tried:

“I hear that they might get married but she’s nervous ya know, not one to commit, especially these days who can blame her what with over half of marriages failing!”

“There is really nothing like a nice cuppa tea. I guess that’s just how us English are, everything in the world stops for tea! And look at this lovely blue and white crockery, I just love it! My friend Ethel has a very similar set herself.”

“Oh look at the lovely shadowboxes they have on the wall! I started doing those myself, shadowboxes!”

“My word, would you look at the size of those donuts! We could split one between the 3 of us, they’re so large! Mind you, I’m not one to eat lots of sweets, never really eat biscuits and such.”

“That bus is going to be so hot on the way home! Thank God it’s air-conditioned, I’m not used to this sort of heat!”