Behold! The almighty Guatemalan Insanity Pepper! Chief Wiggum’s ticket to Chilli Cookoff Stardom and rival to the hottest chili in the world, the Naga Jolokia from India, the red-carpet star of this year’s Fiery Food Festival down at Brighton Marina. Not only did Fallen Angel Brewery brew it into their “Black Death” beer (which I knew better than to try) but Cocoa Loco has gone and mixed it in with their chocolate AND their brownies. I contemplated not trying but then my friend Sarah bought me some and I didn’t want to be rude. I paid for it later and I only had the tiniest of bites. Apparently the Naga Jolokia is about 8 times hotter than the Habanero (Scotch Bonnet) pepper which yours truly, even being a chili lover, is too afraid to handle without gloves.

So other than the lure of the world’s hottest chili, this year’s Fiery Foods fest had many other goodies to entice even the most timid of chili virgins. On hand to try was Moroccan, Caribbean, Indian and Chinese cuisine (but no Mexican! what is WITH these Brits?) as well as stall after stall of chutneys, jams, hot sauces, relishes, marinades and dried chilis. Stephen and I opted for Moroccan and had a very large and very lovely Moroccan chicken wrap which was scarfed down in less than 5 minutes due to the rain and lack of shelter.

One stall I made sure to visit was this one here. I have a serious weakness for Chili Jam (or Pepper Jam as it’s known in the States). I could dump an entire jar of it on a brick of Philadelphia cream cheese and slather it on crackers until I’m passed out on the sofa, knife in one hand and cracker in the other. We ran into the folks who run the Chili Queen’s “Chelly” stall and had a nice chat about possible places that could stock it here in Brighton. I did it purely for them, there was no selfish motivation there WHATSOEVER.

Also on hand was my main man with the ginger-dreads, Chili Pepper Pete. Pete has rescued me from having to bring back tin after tin of chipotle peppers from the States and has also turned me on to many other fantastic chili blends, like Peri Peri. His prices are incredibly reasonable and can be found at Taj, Infinity Foods and Sussex in the City. Of course, if you’re too lazy you can always order online. Stephen kept pressing me to ask him for a picture together but I was feeling a bit shy. I wish I did because he’s a dinner guest I’d love to have! She says a bit on the sly…

It was unfortunate that the weather was so incredibly shite all weekend long because I think that kept a lot of people away. I wish they could find a better venue than the Marina, which I avoid like the plague. Hopefully all of these fine goodies will be on display again this weekend at the Taste of Sussex Food Festival event on Jubilee Street and North Road. Be there or be *draws square shape with her fingers*!!

56 Gardner Street, North Laine

Those who know me will see from these two pictures why I would be seduced by Sejuice. I’m a bit of a sucker for anything that involves a retro feel, especially pin-up girls. I can remember when Sejuice was first breaking ground. Straight away I knew I would be checking it out based merely on the fact that the new owners must have style.

My intense research (aka Google) into Sejuice’s beginnings have revealed that owners Sarah and Stephen Mulheron chucked it all in to open their own business and were invited to take part of Channel 4’s Risking It All. Adventures like this really move me. I believe there can be nothing better than to be your own boss. Long hours, lots of responsibility but at the end of the day it’s you who’s in control of your own destiny. Not to get all “Tom Cruise” on you or anything but it’s true. So many people have had enough of the fast life in the big city and slip down to Brighton to pursue their Mom & Pop-owned dreams. Does my heart good, it does.

Can’t be a bad thing when you like what you ordered the first time so much that you order it again on your next visit. (I do know that I need to break up with the gorgonzola and spinach gnocchi at Carluccio’s though. I think 5 times is enough.) So when I took the Girl Wonder with me on my second visit I opted for the yummy Greta Garbo wrap that has warm, roasted butternut squash, cranberry sauce, goat’s cheese and roquette. YUM. The GW opted for the Thai Green Chicken wrap (forgive me, I don’t remember the name. I knew I should’ve nicked a menu!) and both were served with a side salad (read: garnish) and some Doritos. I have to say, a place such as Sejuice should really go upmarket with the crisps; perhaps some lovely veggie crisps? Doritos are way too common for wraps as lovely as theirs.

Other goodies include homemade soup o’ the day, salads and other light-lunch type goodies. Might not be the best place to take the menfolk. It strikes me as very yummy-mummy/ladies-who-lunch-lightly. Sadly, they’re also perpetrators of my newest culinary faux pas: the Spiky Lettuce. I can never remember what the hell it’s called but I do know that kitchens use it to bulk up salads and it’s just really unpleasant on the palate. My last salad at the George-it was ENTIRELY composed of Spiky Lettuce. I was so not impressed. Since here it’s only a garnish, I’ll let it slide.

Above all else Sejuice is a juice bar. That makes about 4 total I believe on Gardner Street and Bond Street alone. With such competition they best have an edge that will lure in the local juiceheads. I think that their design/vibe/decor definitely gives them an edge:

They very nicely have all the smoothies arranged by prime ingredient. So for those of you (my husband) who whinge about bananas always being in the foreground you can see for yourself whether or not your smoothie will be ‘nana-free. Me, I had the Indian Summer smoothie which was listed under the Mango offerings and included some chilli jelly for a bit of zing. It was very lovely but I’m afraid I didn’t get any zing. I felt a bit bummed but I got over it.

(Note to self: next time, ask for more zing.)

Firle, Lewes - off the A27

Look at the attitude on that rooster’s face. All I wanted was to take his picture and he fluffed right up and let me know who’s boss! Reminded me of the Goodfeathers mob from Tiny Toons. I reckon I was lucky he let me get as close as I did. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up the next morning to find broken eggs in my sheets.

Places like Middle Farm don’t happen to people like me every day. This would be because I don’t own a car. I don’t even have a driving license in this country because A-I can’t drive a geared car and B-the roads are just too. damn. narrow. Plus I nearly killed myself on a small roundabout that was installed in my hometown. I know that one day my faux-bohemian lifestyle will come to an end and I’ll have to sell out and pollute the air with car exhaust like everyone else but as of now I live a very insular life and visit those places only attainable on foot. Sometimes, by bus. So when friends offered a lift to “an organic farm” for a day out, I jumped at the chance.

This place is just so fantastic. It’s wonderful if you have small children because they have a massive open farm with picnic tables, swingsets and of course, friendly animals. We visited at the end of May and so many of the critters had recently given birth. It really was a sight to behold. A 26-year old donkey had even given birth! I had no idea donkeys could even live to be 26 let alone have babies at that age. They have chickens of every variety along with sheep, ducks, kittens, ferrets, guinea pigs, cows AND a turkey.

I soon found out that the reason our friends wanted to go was because apparently their cider shop has the largest selection of cider and perry in ALL THE GALAXY. Ok maybe not. Still, the collection was quite impressive. You grab a wee cup (reminiscent of a communion cup) and sample all the ciders. Well not ALL of them, otherwise you’d be on your face, but you get the idea. Then you purchase as you wish. Who knew that you could make wine from peaches? Or cherries? And that there were so many different kinds of mead? All the local brews and wines are on offer here as well. They also have an amazing food shop/deli with local offerings and a restaurant that I am definitely going to trek back to and sample. We brought back with us some Cheddar marbled with Guinness, some Papadeli Chilli Crackers, some local Sussex goat’s cheese and a Huntsman pie, which held Stephen over for two lunches. It was a savoury pie stuffed with ham, chicken and stuffing. He let me sample it. It was very good and very manly.

So since we’re being blessed with such lovely weather lately (although forecast is calling for rain the next 3 days), I recommend gathering the posse together and going to Middle Farm for a great day out. Just remember to bring your sunblock and don’t piss off the rooster. Or forget the cannoli.

4 Pool Valley, Old Lanes (next to Bus Station)

I’m always in two minds as to whether or not it’s worth blogging what are considered (and rightfully so) to be Brighton institutions. Then I think of the weary traveller who perhaps has come across my blog in search of a place to rest their weary feet after their sojourn to the seaside. So I know that I should, nae, I must blog such lovely wee places such as our historical Mock Turtle.

I was first recommended the Mock Turtle by my good friend “S”. So last Christmas when my gran was over for an extended visit we took a few trips here merely because I knew this was going to most likely be the only tea shop in Brighton that my granny, she of the gluten-free persuasion, could enjoy a cuppa and a treat. This is due to their infamous meringues. To say that they are large is an understatement and like all the other baked goodies at the Mock Turtle, they are handmade on the premises. They came in a variety of wonderfully delicious flavours that change daily, including vanilla, raspberry and coffee.

I finally took Stephen there this past Sunday (he being the MT virgin) and I indulged in a vanilla one, as a shout-out of sorts to my gran. I did not, however, pour out my tea on the sidewalk in her honour. (To self: Do I leave in this joke, knowing that most of the British population won’t get it? What the hell. It makes me giggle and if they’ve at least seen Austin Powers or have any knowledge of hip-hop culture whatsoever, they just might get it.) Stephen indulged in the vanilla cheesecake and a mocha and I chose some lovely Fentiman’s ginger beer to accompany my meringue.

Yeah, yeah. I know it’s a teashop but we are having some VERY warm weather here. Warm for England anyways. For those looking for a wonderful cuppa, trust me, this is the real deal. They bring out all the hoopla necessary for a good cup of tea, including loose tea leaves, strainer, etc. The Girl Wonder was quite impressed, she being of the tea-snob persuasion. I can never seem to get the hack of it and half the time I’m topping up my tea without using the strainer. It makes me feel like such a big Yank.

My Yank sensibilities also love a good donut. I remember swooping down upon Krispy Kreme in Harrods food hall like common trailer trash. And biting into them only to get jam down the front of me, again, like common trailer trash. My momma would’ve been so proud! So when the Girl Wonder let me sample a bit of her homemade Mock Turtle jam donut, I wept on the inside, knowing that my allegiance to The Krispy Kreme was now unsettled, for this donut was, dare I say, superior in almost every way. I mean my God, just look at them! Are they not the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?? They also have chocolate ones that are just smeared all over in chocolate frosting. What you can’t see is the huge squirt of fresh whipped cream that they inject into it before serving it up or that they are the size of a small grapefruit. They have them to take away as well. They’re also now open on Sundays.

If your appetite is crying out for more than a pastry and some tea, never fear because they also have light breakfast and lunch menus which includes fish and chips, salads, homemade soup, the best Welsh rarebit I’ve ever had and loads of other very English dishes. Sunday was the first time I’ve been back since the place changed hands, the previous owners having run it for 30 years and now enjoying their much-deserved retirement I imagine. Not much has changed, which is very comforting. There are still shelves stocked of homemade preserves and loads of different cakes and breads to take away, such as the banana and walnut pictured here. It’s all too picture-perfect, being the exact kind of place that the Old Dears love to stop off at before catching their bus back to Wherevershire or Someotherhampton after their day at the seaside. We had a table of them sitting right next to us and the dialogue-well, I couldn’t have made up better stuff if I tried:

“I hear that they might get married but she’s nervous ya know, not one to commit, especially these days who can blame her what with over half of marriages failing!”

“There is really nothing like a nice cuppa tea. I guess that’s just how us English are, everything in the world stops for tea! And look at this lovely blue and white crockery, I just love it! My friend Ethel has a very similar set herself.”

“Oh look at the lovely shadowboxes they have on the wall! I started doing those myself, shadowboxes!”

“My word, would you look at the size of those donuts! We could split one between the 3 of us, they’re so large! Mind you, I’m not one to eat lots of sweets, never really eat biscuits and such.”

“That bus is going to be so hot on the way home! Thank God it’s air-conditioned, I’m not used to this sort of heat!”